The Invisible Epidemic: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Memory and the Brain

 

 

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(52) Comments have been made

I found this looking for something to show my doctor. I suffered from physical, emotional and sexual abuse as a child. Now I suffer from short and mid-term memory loss (I usually forget about 80% of what happened greater then 48hrs old), concentration problems, multi task problems (I have trouble sometimes pouring water and watching tv, I'll spill the water b/c I forget I'm pouring it); and I've had numerous blackouts where I function for a period of time but have no memory of the events. I'd love to see more information about this put out there.

 

I am glad someone is recognizing the affects of post traumatic stress and that there are many people suffering from it. Perhaps medical associations need to educate doctors, so they can more easily read these symptoms and treat, guide, or refer their patients to someone who can help them I have suffered from PTSD for years, as a result of spousal abuse. At times I cannot cope with it. Doctors tend to treat this as depression and prescribe antidepressants which I find only increase the problem, to the point of being suicidal. I have not been able to get any help regarding this, and chose to deal with it on my own, through research and understanding and work to help myself. I would like to help others who cannot help themselves, and therefore I am writing a book to explain what it is like living with this, what I believe caused this, and how I am dealing with it. Thanks for this info, please publicize this, as the heading is correct: this is an epidemic and often invisible, because people do not understand it, or recognize it. It took me year to recognize it in myself, and now that I do, I can deal with it, on a daily basis.

 

Another thank you; I have dark holes in my life life where I do not recall years, it is very frustrating and some people do not believe me. This article helps me realize that 'm not crazy and there is a reason for my lapse in memory.

 

I came to this website because I have had two horrible nightmares in the last week relating back to childhood sex abuse by my biological father. In addition, I was at the age of 19 when I was date raped by a guy I was dating. My mother couldn't defend herself against my father so she looked the other way about what he was doing to me. Be aware this all took place in the 50s where what went on in a man's house stayed in the house --- men had all the power. I eventually entered into a loveless marriage with the boyfriend who raped me --- back in the 50s we believed no decent man would want you if you had sex with someone else --- so I married the perpetrator. In the following years women gained power, and I was vindicated from the dominant abusive male era. I was diagnosed with PTSD in my 40s. It was an easy diagnosis for the doc. After all these years I never know when something will trigger a flashback or a nightmare and sometimes year go by without any nightmares or flashbacks. Now, in 2 wks. time there have been 2 nightmares. The first involved me as an adult in the same room with my father - I can't remember the dream in total, but i was consumed with rag - I was like a crazed animal lunging at him and screaming you do not have the power to hurt me anymore. I woke up and found I was safe in my bed. The second dream was much worse ---- he was in bed with me, I could feel his body up against me. I was trying to scream for help and believe I finally got out the word "mommy" before i woke with my heart pounding. So girls, the effects of that kind of childhood trauma will reach way into old age. I have never had a successful relationship with a man, but I did very well in a professional world dominated by men.

 

Thank you for making me, thus others, feel less "crazy". I've thought I had PTSD licked via yoga and other means, but it comes back, especially when my Mom sends me crazy, "Christian", "Tea Party" stuff,.... Same Mom whose whole family is "very Christian", yet very perversely/inappropriately sexual, very misogynist, very supportive of the males. Earliest memories of "sex" are of cousins arriving from a home in Alaska. My sister and I were assigned to share beds with our "new" cousins. My sister and I met in the hallway, afraid to go back to our beds, and afraid to wake our parents. Later, We were babysat by the mother of these Cousins, who loved our baby brother, showed us how she could make his penis stick out when she sucked on it, ... and we were constantly harassed by these cousins to engage in sex play. Other cousins did the same, yet our parents made us feel bad for "causing problems". Then, after all this crap from cousins, Mom threatened me with a test for virginity, when I didn't even know what that was! I obviously was, no thanks to her protection. In fact, a step-daughter of her precious brother was impregnated by one of the cousins we had to fight off. I didn't even know about this child until our children were adults! I finally got to talk to my cousin. Now I'm the parent, and my baby brother is sick like the rest of her family. He exposed my daughters to porn, then posted such on our Mother's computer when he became angry with my eldest daughter. I want to break the cycle.

 

I hate ptsd because of what it does to me and to others around me. Around 9-9:30pm - 1:30am I become irritable, angry and unable to cope with anything. Of course my teens are at the ages where they want something all the time (money, food clothes, gas etc). My daughter had miscarriage etc. and it's just enough with my husband out of town to start me on a rampage screaming for everyone to leave me alone and that I hate being a mother and I feel like everyone is invading my privacy and almost raping me. I know it's an over-reaction but any noise or hearing their voices asking questions makes me even more angry as I just want to assimilate a 4 hour class I just arrived home from. What happens each night are the feelings (residual) of memories from long ago as a child, and I wish there was some kind of medication that would just block wherever it comes from in my brain so I'd have peace. sometimes i bang my head or hold it trying to find pressure points to relax and calm down. I can't imagine what people think of me at church in their chapel. I am better with quiet solitude after 10pm and gentle music, and next to nothing when it comes to any other type of contact which makes it hard on marriage. (Life is a mystery and this is almost comical).

 

My mom used to tell me I was behind emotionally and then say disparagingly "with intelligence comes snobbery". A college professor once told me I was "a snob". Well, to be a snob or think that you're better than someone else I would think you'd have to know that first or believe something like that. I found grades I never knew I accomplished in school and then some documents for joining "sigma theta tau". I remember getting that package but I had "to survive"and work to help my family and try to "take care of" so I boxed/shelved those documents. Now how smart was that? I've had people tell me "you need more confidence" oh "you're a woman you need self-esteem" or oh, "you need humility and someone actually handed me something to read on that." lol I'm just me and trying to live and stay alive one more day. I can mess up meds terribly and if add alcohol that isn't smart. I love simple things in life.I helped a friend's daughter finish up high-school so she could start off again in college. It wasn't exactly an honest way to help someone get out of high-school but they were desperate and I helped. In one month we finished up a xxxload of papers. Then my friend told me that she was offered scholarships. lol the kid knows she has to start from the beginning at community college and as for me going back to college? Broken back, high blood pressure, anxiety and exhaustion. It's not possible anymore. Maybe it's not good to remember but once memory returns there isn't a xxxx of alot you can do about it and have to live with it. I'm not complaining or wanting pity. I'm plain exhausted. I've had a "good enough" life for what I've lived but have grief for what I didn't know because ultimately I am happiest when helping someone else succeed and achieve.My friend has cancer and I'm not sure I can support her over the coming months/yrs? I don't trust myself or my memory anymore. Can I remember and function?

 

Sometimes I am so embarrassed when I'm socially reacting to something, and I know it's an over-reaction; but at least I can recognize that more and more. I'm going to try and find a counselor (again). I've been cleaning out boxes (with my daughter) and grieving alot for what has been lost. I have pictures of great friends, unopened Christmas cards from a time long ago, and don't have any explanation for these friends. In order to live I shelved parts of my life and moved on to survive. I have pictures with co-workers I loved and then just relocated and never said good-bye....................My best friend from high-school gave me a college graduation party (I found the flyer) but I don't remember the party. another friend tells me about that event. I'm afraid to form any new friendships or go on now that I've woke up. what if I forget again? I guess that's my biggest question and fear. what if everything I've remembered and re-remembered and what I know now I forget again? I wonder if this is part of ptsd or just that I'm truly crazy or a mental deficit. At least I've known and loved with great friends although I question how good a friend I've been. I've lost my mother, grandmother and father-in-law before waking up to the reality of my life 4 yrs ago. I'm reading letters I've never read before.......my mom used to say, "better later than not at all" or something like that.

 

I feel so alone, I have no friends, I have a marriage that I just can't break away from....but i do have hope, one day I will get everything together and move on and have friends and a job and a place that feels safe. I tried, I tried so hard to make things good, i went to University, but it was all so stressful, I got a degree, but still didn't find a job. We have moved so many times, my husband wouldn't pay for child care, so I never got a job worth much. I had nothing to offer to get a job that would pay enough to cover my looking after my three children, no help from anyone, nothing worked out. Anyway I got my degree, I worked so hard... i wanted to do more, but it all went wrong, I never fitted in at the University, so much stress at home from my husband, he hated it that I might be able to escape from him, he wanted me just where he had got me, at home washing and cleaning. Anyway it all went wrong, I was picked on by two staff at the University, they are in a relationship, I offended the girlfriend and he jumped in and put in a complaint of Serious Misconduct against me...it has since been dismissed as a malicious complaint, but i had to go through months of awful meetings, everything so personal, making me out to be a really bad person, I'm not, but I felt so bad. i was suicidal, i had tried so hard to make things work for myself and I was dragged down by these people. I was diagnosed as having PTSD, this on top of everything else in my life was too much. Having the diagnosis has helped, given me hope that I can get over this, one day I will, its getting better now, been 9 months now, i still think about what was said about me too much, it was truly devastating to be lied about by people you looked up too, they have been sacked by the University, doesn't make me feel much better though. Still a long way to go, too much to deal with. This incident took way all my hope for the future, it made me feel vulnerable and afraid.

 

I am a Veteran. I am also a Survivor of other things which I prefer not to share on a public. When I began my recovery from alcoholism, all of the memories from the past came blasting in. I had to deal with them. I did it by finding counseling, 12 step groups, ACOA groups, AA, Church, and now I attend AA on a regular basis with a sponsor. It has been a long process; but, well worth it as I no longer suffer from depression and anger. When I start questioning whether anything happened to me was real or not, I stumble upon a site like this. Thanks. I was looking up increased memory disorder...LOL Hang in there guys and gals its well worth it on the other end. Just don't try to do it alone.

 

Hi, I am PTSD survivor. My story is different from most of the posters here. What happened to me was I was driving home from a job interview one day and a boy ran right out in front of my car from a heavily wooded yard. The boy died. I was not speeding or found at fault thank God. But of course that doesn't take away the fact that a young boy died. I thought I was going to be ok but the parents sued me and it made me face the accident all over again. I had coped was by tucking it away and not dealing with it. After 2 years of insurance and legal stuff, it finally ended in a civil trial in which I was exonerated. Another Thank God. Anyway my PTSD kicked in when I had to go back to the accident site, one year later with the lawyers and actually drive that route all over again. The next day, I started to experience heart palpitations. I thought I was having a heart attack. I had to stop at the side of the highway driving home and have my husband pick me up. I went to the emergency room, but of course they couldn't find anything wrong. That is because I was having panick attacks. The next day I could not drive at all. I was spaced out and couldn't function at all. Luckily, I found a great doctor who really listened with compassion. I got on medication, and I went to a therapist for 4 months. I got better. The only problem is now, 4 years later, I got very stressed out at my job and began getting panic attacks again and unfortunately back on Paxil. I don't think my brain/nervous system will ever be the same unfortunately. It's like my system is always going to be hypersensitive. I will never be the same. It stinks but I will get through it. Just wanted to share my story. You guys are not alone but we can all get through it.

 

I have not only found myself a good counselor, I have found a great group that addresses all these issues - ACA - Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.

 

Elli, I remember you.

 

Shannon, I am also an adult child of alcoholics and that's where so much of our trauma stems from. I found reading books like the Janet Woititz books called "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and "Struggle for Intimacy"gave me great comfort. That there were whole books that expressed exactly how I felt was an epiphany for me. I am not the only one and I am not crazy; there is hope for me. I struggle each day, but the more knowledge and support I have the better the chance of a happy life. So please keep writing people; this a great forum to share healthy tools with each other.

 

My sister remembers things I don't. She remembered that my dad nearly ran our car off the road with us in it because he exploded. We were screaming and on the side of a steep mountain, on some kind of dirt road. We never knew when or where the next explosion would happen or how it would happen or what to expect. Turn right/turn left go straight/backwards and nothing was safe or right. I never sleep in pajamas-don't own them. Take baths all day to relax, have a broken back etc. And live with physical, mental, and emotional pain but I can't complain because others have so much more that I to deal with so I'm sorry for complaining. I'm remembering and didn't forget...

 

I hope my experiences don't offend anyone. I need to tell. I've never told anyone or even known how to put into words such things. I miss my mother and remember her crying and tear-stained face as she swept up glass in the kitchen after my earth-dad exploded and food went all over the walls and her cleaning up and then her shame. It wasn't right. She helped and gave to everyone she met maybe to compensate for the shame and for not knowing how to make her children's lives better or fix such abuse and violence. It's made me a better person in that I watch and see people differently. I freak out when others judge or act self-righteous or don't respect differences. I've been judged and accepted in a parish of 10,000. You meet all kinds of people. I go ballistic when I sense judgment upon others or someone that is closed minded to others. Maybe those people should have to serve in the military and learn that life isn't one way and you can't control others or situations. You can't judge others either or condemn anyone because people are many parts/dimensions. The sum of the parts is greater that the whole and I thank god for that. Sadness, hate, anger, fear were the first feelings I could identify after many months of counseling. Happy is a hard one or having a sense of enjoyment has never existed in my life. I've been surviving it seems since I was born. I remember climbing into a refrigerator outdoors; playing around and the door closed. I screamed. It finally was opened by my earth-dad and he basically laughed at me. I comfort my kids when they are scared or hurt. I protect them. I protect them even when I don't have to or didn't need to. They knew I overreacted but that I was in their corner. My son said, "Mom it happened just like it was supposed to" but my daughter is angry that I wasn't all there as she grew up. It makes me sad.

 

Triggers seem to run rampant for me these days as the memories come in like wave after waves crashing upon me over and over again. I wonder if I'm going to live through this but reading your posts gives me hope. I think; well if the vets can do this then I can too. I joined a church after my mother died. Guess which faith? Catholic. Never considered what the pastors/reverends were called. Took awhile before I caught on. I'm slow these days and wonder if I'll ever be able to help others or be a normal wife, mother, grandmother, neighbor, friend, etc. Again. All my hats are off and the show has stopped. I can't pretend anymore. I learned about the show from 12 step programs. Fortunately, I have priests who are allowing me to e-mail them as the memories flood in. (They're good ones and not abusers.) It's a parish that includes all-"all are welcome". The pastor has been criticized heavily for not excluding different people of sexual orientation and allowing all. Well, he's helped me the most and is real about life and being a human being. He's not abusive and is a decent man/priest/father but I cringe at that word father and can't seem to get around it even when i know the man behind the title isn't abusive and his main theme is dignity, and social justice for all that are marginalized, weaker, less than, vulnerable etc. I know i have challenged his patience at times but I think he's getting the picture of what makes me me and why. I react/overreact and freak out at times when i hear the word father or have to even acknowledge a human being that seems to correlate to a father. I feel so defective and low. All the education, positive thinking classes, living my strengths etc., are meaningless when PTSD hits, and it's hit full force, wears me down and makes me wonder if I can beat it. My family and husband have been affected.

 

Sometimes I've wondered if it would be easier to go through a war because it would make more sense for me. Shell shock and IEDs at least have substance. When someone is sabotaging your being and "gas lighting" you then you don't know what is reality or truth anymore day in and day out. At any moment my earth-dad could or would explode and seeing my mother beat up and glasses smashed bleeding would ,well it still makes my nerves...........keeps me edgy. Then he'd blast crazy opera music "Wagner" and I couldn't think at all. I guess from reading this site there can be some brain changes. I've worked hard to keep my sense of self and being intact. After my mom died I wanted to give up being a nurse/caregiver/mother and didn't want my nickname of Debbie anymore. I rarely talk to my siblings or anyone and it's been 4 yrs. God bless you all and especially you who serve as vets. Tell those going into service what really happens. I'm telling my story because I want people who have children to be made responsible and to have to be obligated to parenting with sanity and maybe some laws need to be made so vulnerable children don't go through such insanity when there isn't even a real war going on. At least a war is real. What is real about domestic violence or abuse sexually for a child? You don't feel like you exist but I'm here and present now. I wonder what it would be like to sleep a whole night without continued stress and hypervigilence.

 

I want to also thank everyone for sharing on this site. It's hard for me to be personal. I have a hard time communicating, often am misunderstood and therefore shunned or rejected because I underreact or over-react to someone or something, and just don't know what to do or say. Trust is very difficult for me. I've had so many mixed messages and mind games played by adults or authority figures in my life. Children I still trust because they haven't learned to not be true and real. Authority figures scare me as I know they don't know what they are doing or saying allot of times. They confuse me and present mixed messages and don't tell the truth. I can tell when words don't match someone's body language but then I'm sure I don't match either and people don't like me. It's a sad and lonely way to live. I don't know how to be who I am or have the freedom to be. I did hear a teaching that discussed that what happens to our bodies really does affect our inward beings, souls if you will-mind, will and emotions, intuition, conscience, and perceptions etc. and relating to others and oneself becomes very disjointed. I speak for myself because that's the way it is for me everyday. My daughter just miscarried and what has happened to her body along with a broken relationship is affecting every dimension in her life. Our bodies are good and shouldn't have to be or endure abuse through war or by others. But, life just happens sometimes and events are beyond our control. My only hope is that people like you all would understand and maybe just maybe be my friend if you met me somewhere someday.

 

I think about vets everyday and wonder how it must be to survive war and such experiences. I too wonder why or how I'm alive one more day but haven't gone through anything compared to what our countries vets have gone through. I wonder about children is war torn countries. I'm finally admitting to PTSD and learning that I'm sane but the people and situation experience wasn't sane but insane. I have a brother that is so confused and messed up (not in reality) and that reality hurts me allot. He's there but not there. I'm just now realizing the mind-games and brainwashing we went through by the adults surrounding us. No one should have to suffer or go through war or child abuse or abuse of any kind. I heard a saying once; "It is what it is and was what it was." I'm not minimizing trauma, but it can't be changed and although real I believe that surviving and telling of the insanity of our experiences maybe will change and stop these horrors from happening in our world. All I have is hope and hope for love and peace everyday. I gain courage knowing that there are others that know what I'm talking about and look up to vets whenever I see them. I've seen soldiers in the stores and at airports and in church at times. I want to go up and hug them but am unsure they'd think I'm crazy and don't want to offend those that have sacrificed or are sacrificing for me and our country. I want to say; thank you but a hug, a thank you seems so trite when I know how much pain and suffering that is seen and experienced. I don't know what to do or say or not do or not say.

 

This is some heavy stuff especially when your are a vet from Iraq. There were lots of shocking surprises walking or driving into IED's. Or having mortors and rockets rain down on you. It's amazing that we still have brains, although I still question my own personal sanity. Reading things like this isn't even near the experience. This is a horrifying fight sometimes just to stay alive for today. No one should have to suffer such horrors let alone live from day to day like this.

 

Your information and comments made by victims/survivors was an emotional epiphany for me. I am 26 years old. I have dealt with years of therapists, counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and so on. All saying I have anxiety disorder, panic attacks, bipolar, I'm a adult child of alcoholics, with self-mutilation, bulimia, add/adhd, depression, child abuse, domestic violence, battered wife syndrome, and soooo much more. I have been given every type of antidepressants, anti-anxiety, mood-stabilizing, and much more. I have been a perfect beautiful honor students, played sports and then became a drug addict, hooters girl, stripper, porn star, pornography model, young single mom of 2 beautiful kids. I have felt out-of-place, not normal, scared, frustrated, alone, abandoned, confused, no memory, misunderstood, lost, angry, sad, people pleasing, peacemaker, slave, broken, damaged, and so much more. I realize I have had hypervigilance. Its obvious I have PTSD or complex PTSD from years of never-ending chaos. Thank you for everyone's thoughts they bravely typed and sent into this site. It has helped me today to not feel like I am the only person who feels crazy, unsure, and desiring to change my thoughts and get over the past if that is even possible. Thank you, Shannon

 

Sometimes when I'm riding out a past event or memory I can't recall, I don't even know what's happening. I'm riding out a series of emotions/feelings (like) tidal waves and it is "scary" and "stressful". I have chosen to go through them as long as I can until I can't take it anymore but sometimes I feel like my mind is going to give out, and I'll go into nothingness or really go "crazy" but then perhaps I wouldn't know it so it wouldn't matter. I can either go through the feelings/memories, medicate as prescribed, drug as unprescribed, use addictions, or lose my "mind" but I'm hoping and praying that I'll make it through this. It's been 4 yrs. since I really started processing this stuff and it's wearing me out. How long can I go on I wonder some days/nights. Sleep deprivation, and just the process of processing is exhausting. I have found a Pastor who is allowing me to e-mail him (good, bad and the ugly). I told him he could just delete the e-mails but it helps writing and finding words; using words and at least hoping that someday someone will hear you. For now all I can hope for is that GOD OR A HIGHER POWER HEARS ME SOMEWHERE. I don't have too much faith that anybody really hears the cries and voice or has time in today's world for child abuse. With tsunamis, earthquakes, oil spills and I wonder if I have any right to even complain about a "little child abuse" or "ptsd". I still don't remember graduation. A friend tells me some things about my family at times that she remembers. That helps because I can't or won't remember. People have said exercise. Well, I'm just plain too tired to do anything when I'm going through a flashback of any type. It takes everything out of me. I feel useless as a person and hope for a day when I can be "doing" and "living" without being hit with nerves on edge.

 

Why should I be labeled "mental" "emotional" "a over-reactor" "crazy" "nuts" when in fact it was the victimizer in my life who was and is "crazy" and doing "the next wrong thing" to his family. Why should I have to be ashamed when my abuser should be ashamed? That's the crazy part: I'm bearing the shame and labeling of "loser" when in fact the abuser is the TRUE LOSER".

 

I was thinking that "this isn't my fault" and tonight thought; "why am I the one so humiliated and shamed?" My stepmother added to my humiliation and shame criticizing and condemning my mother's 4 kids; almost viciously. It's like we went from one abusive situation to another; one trauma after another. Perhaps the abusers should have to walk around with a scarlet CA on their foreheads for "child abuser". Perhaps they should bear the shame. Perhaps all of our victimizers should be "brought out" and told on and they should be told "SHAME ON YOU!" Anyone that shames another for any reason should be labeled ABUSER; especially a vulnerable child without defense. I hope that someday true healing can be had, but until the victimizers know what they've done, that isn't possible; at least for me. However,facing abusers is a scary notion for me and I wouldn't want to do it alone. THOSE STRONG ABUSERS SHOULD BE SHAMED!!!!! I'm tired of being weak, humiliated, and feeling like a defect. It's been over 50 yrs of this. I'm worn out but not going to "GIVE UP OR SHUT UP".

 

It helps me to stay in the moment by repeating to myself "be in the here and now; be present; be aware of what is going around you right now." I'm not able to dissociate or deny as well anymore since "waking up" and at times that's frustrating because I have to find new ways to handle stress and memories as they flood back being triggered by seemingly minor things at times. I go into a chapel and ride out the feelings and deal with the stress; deep breathing helps and prayer/meditation/reading/being around other people/hearing noise and music around me/ looking at art. I think as you let the memories come back and go through the stress of them kind of like debriefing that helps disociation but it's a 'one day at a time' deal and if I use OH or pills or food or anyother addiction then it's a bit of a setback but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

My heart goes out to the other readers. I'm 57 this year. I could not remember anything of my 0-12 years. Then almost 20 years ago, I started with a snapshot. My hand being placed on a hot plate (to teach me not to touch the stove as I eventually remembered!!). Since then I have had the help of doctors and psychologists. I keep getting snapshots. I've tried so hard remembering the good things of my years at kindergarten and primary school but only have some snippets not a full picture. About 6 months ago my husband and I traveled through a town where I spent some time on holidays on my own with relatives I'd never met before. Not sure how old, though probably about 10-12. The snapshots are of being raped and having my virginity taken. My life has been one of up and down depression, angry response for no reason, irritability, lack of focus, self loathing, lack of trust, shunning friendship, some alcohol use and many years of sleeping around. The good things now for the past 30 years - I have a wonderful husband (who also was abused) who I trust implicitly, a good job, a great sense of humour and a positive outlook on life (which gets harder and harder sometimes especially after my latest snapshot). But I wait to see the psych to help me through. After each snap I get better and better at managing my self and how I respond but I must say though the latest was a doosy. Its left me shell-shocked.

 

I was diagnosed with PTSD just last year but now I realize I have been suffering from it most of my life. Although it is a relief that I am not "crazy" or a bad person, every day is a struggle. I went for in-patient treatment for four months, i went there for depression but while there learned that not only was I depressed, the childhood abuse I suffered caused me to have PTSD. It's hard not be blame myself for my bouts of rage, my hyper-vigilance my extreme annoyance of loud noise, or very limited patience, but I now realize that everyday I deal with triggers and those behaviors are symptoms of PTSD, I am not just a terrible person as I once thought. I am so glad I found this information regarding memory. No one told me about PTSD and memory; after reading this my lack of memory is explained. It is hard to not remember your life, as someone else mentioned. I do not remember my wedding day and many other events in my life. I don't even know my favorite toy as a kid and remember only fragments of my childhood. When friends ask me things about when I was a kid like what my room looked like I can't answer, and it makes you feel less than whole. I keep fighting this disorder one day at a time. Thank god I have people that love me, although they have had to endure many of my symptoms. If anyone has any idea how to "stay in the moment" and not dissociate please post.

 

I would like to confront (with legal people) the victimizer(s) to see if he remembers anything or cares. However, I once said, "I forgive you"; although I didn't know what I was forgiving and he said,"for what?" His philosophy was you're born, you live, you die and there is no past. I'd like to sue him and his wife for the sake of my brother who doesn't have medical insurance and make them help him. The rest of us survived well enough; I guess.

 

I've learned to "pretend" that I'm not afraid and prayer helps. When I'm scared I will actually try to have the opposite emotion; "putting on a brave face" or "I don't care face/attitude" when in fact I'm "dying"inside. At least I'm aware of that now. Loud noises and crowds aren't tolerable for me, and I don't even like sitting in movie theatres. It makes me sad because I see other people in groups having great times and enjoy watching them, but it's just too much stimulation. I get edgy with too much noise. Loud music drives me "nuts" and I can't focus; never mind remember anything. I've been diagnosed with ADD but I think it's a cascade of cause/effects when there is so much that has happened. Trauma (major/minor) upon trauma just adds up and at times I feel like I'm going to shatter completely in my head but somehow keep moving. I noticed that I "freeze" alot when I'm scared and just drop almost like a scared rabbit "playing dead". I don't want to have to be like this. I do wonder if an antidepressant would help, but with a broken back (was repaired 10 yrs ago) weight gain is something that makes everything worse. I don't want my head to get worse so am considering requesting something the next time I see the doctor. Music helps allot and I enjoy the symphony or church "good" music. I hope and pray for all abuse victims that they don't have to feel like this and that abuse is noticed and stopped in all areas of life. It's a one day at a time deal. I wonder if I'm going to make it at times, but I'm 50 and planning to be 51 this september. Why not?

 

I have bits and pieces of memory but very little recall of ages 1-13 when "he" finally moved out. It wasn't only sex abuse but violence. He would go into rages and beat my mother up, throwing dishes. We were very alone. I don't know how to share socially very well and sharing emotions is hard; identifying them at the moment is harder. Yet I can see children's reactions and faces so quickly because they are so honest. My sister recalls stuff that I don't remember too. She remembers bruises on her legs that she was ashamed of. I remember my mother saying when I was in a crib; "Oh, Lawrence, she's just a baby". He was fulling around. I wasn't able to verbalize well; I was probably 3? I pulled a blanket over my face when he was near.

 

DEEDEE, I'm 41 and can't remember anything from my childhood.I also have other memory problems. I feel terrible when one of my sisters says, ":Remember when.." and I don't and she can't understand it. I'm the oldest and it happen to me when I was 5, 19 and 23.... only once did I press charges, the last time. No one knows about the thing when I was 5. Anyway... I never associated this with my memory problems(among other things). I recently spoke with a psychologist and will be making a long awaited, '35 year old' appointment this week.

 

Please don't post my last name if you post my writing at all. I don't know how these sites work. I've always been ashamed and hard on myself (people tell me I'm hard on myself) because I've known that something is wrong with me. Well, nothing is wrong with me. I just went through a tough child-hood and witnessed what I sholdn't have had to witness. I'm the oldest of 4 siblings and grew up with a silent no talk rule to protect my earth-dad's job and of course the "you should be ashamed of yourself-you don't tell people private things like that-don't air your dirty linens" etc. Well, it's helping me to vent. I'm ok with "me" but see my siblings hurting and grieve over so much loss of memory (memories) in my own life raising my kids as I've been in survival mode. I hope this makes sense. Sometimes i don't feel like I exist at all, have rejection issues etc. but it's more than that and I'm going to "beat this".

 

I have unfortunately come to realize that Ptsd is real and happens. I have scrutinized myself for years always doublechecking with others (directly and indirectly)to make sure I wasn't a mistake, making mistakes, living illusions, etc. (search my conscience and pray constantly for answers and truth) Then my mother dies and everything "blows" within me. Actually, it's like the books I had shelved so neatly, that were dusty, all fell out of the bookcase and opened up. This article came almost from nowhere and I have read some of the stuff before but it doesn't really explain the feelings/emotions of ptsd or this type of stress. I won't admit to doctors about it because I heard insurance companies don't like to cover this condition so am fighting my best each day (1 day at a time) to "beat it-this". Just when I'm thinking; maybe the whole thing is made up I read some writings on another web-site per my brother and I know everything I've always felt and known are true. I hold no bitterness anymore but truly want to live whatever is left of my life normal if there is such a life. I've cried, wept, shared with a counselor in depth, shared with others etc. No-one seems to "get it". My therapist told me that I had a situational stress disorder and that I had alexethmia. I have a p-doc too that follows me closely. I need them because I've always been suicidal and had depression as they call it but basically I love simple things in life and do want to live but sadness and loss prevade so much of me that I despair and wear out. Then the sun rises another morning and I'm amazed (sort of) that I'm here; still living. Driving, thinking I'm a defect, thinking I'm crazy, hysterical, psychosomatic, looney-tunes, stupid, dumb, making things up, etc., etc. are always things I fight and weigh out searching for truth.

 

Ayahuasca tea is the best form of healing PTSD I have found. Anyone can be healed.

 

I have complex PTSD. Events occurred during childhood, then again in my early 20s and in my 30s (a physically abusive relationship). Several separate traumatic events are involved. Is it possible to assess the damage due to elevated cortisol levels over time? Can the extent of damage due to traumatic stress be determined? Can one follow the recovery of the brain as it is healing?

 

I have a model congress debate on child abuse and mentioning ways to help with PTSD is a great idea. Great piece.

 

(Georgia) You have really great taste on catch article titles, even when you are not interested in this topic you push to read it

 

Great piece, one of the most evolved articles I have read on the subject without having to read twenty pages, thank you and it was easy for me to understand

 

Wow, I'm so glad I read this article. This explains so much for me. I suffered many traumas through out my life including gang rape and dying twice. One of the people in my PTSD support group was interested in knowing why she had such memory problems and now I can explain it to her in hopes it helps her as much as it helps me. Thank you!

 

I severely beaten and mistreated by my mother. One scar stands out from the others; you could see clear to the white part of my flesh. Never was taken to a doctor. I shudder today when i think of the pain. I have memories--- bits an pieces of my childhood. My family is always saying to me "don't you remember"? Sometimes I don't have a clue as to what they are talking about! Just today, I decided that she was Never a mother to me. Can't believe I wasted all those years trying to be decent to her.

 

Thanks for sharing Valentina. I am 23 now and am barely learning what Complex PTSD is after 20 yaers of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. I used to think that I was crazy. Now I see that I am not alone.

 

I've been suffering with PTSD as long as I can remember but was diagnosed when I was 22, I'm 31 now. I was abused by my stepfather for 9 years and I told anyone who would listen but no-one helped. I've had Psychological treatments for 8 years now including CBT but I do feel brain damaged. I have a wide range of symptoms; depression, bad memory, ability to focus, sleep patterns, reocurrent cystitis, flashbacks, avoidance, agoraphobia, panick attacks, sexual disfunction, fear of anything, lack of confidence, hives, fatigue, anxiety, general physical and mental discomfort, the list goes on. My brother committed suicide when I was 21 after six years of mental illness after an attempt at suicide with large quantities of class A drugs. My sister received a large payout from the compensation authority for her experiences of abuse in my family so I'm persuing the same in the hopes that I can persue more successful forms of treatment which the NHS don't provide. I fear my brain might never recover fully.

 

Hi nigella that's so odd u mentioned your driving I have that too thank god it's not just me. That makes me feel heeps better

 

my mom and dad struggle with this and i suspect i do too. i have no way to prove anything that happened in my childhood, i remember little, but what i do remember i do not talk about. my mom denies it strongly. i really dont think she remembers some of the stuf she did to me. it is really hard to figure out what to believe when you dont know or remember. i am looking for the truth, but maybe it would be easier to just forget and move on... who knows.

 

I don't remember enough of what happened to convince my mother that i'm not lying. I remember enough to know that he did something, but not what. This helps explain a lot to me . I'm not sure i want to remember anymore but i feel i should. I didn't do well in school, enough to get by. I just didn't have any confidence in my abilities so didn't try. Ptsd makes sense to me on many levels.

 

(USA) Very nice site!

 

I was abused as a child. I do not have any memeory of my youth. My child is 4 i can't remember bringing her home. i can not remember my wedding day either. I Have block out my life. I would have horriable PTD. I am thankful i do not have to relive those emotions anymore. I am saden that i can't remember my happest moments of my life. If you suffer from PTD. please get help. don't turn out like me.

 

I am 51 and to this day I struggle to get through, each day.. my brother is two years younger and also a victim of child abuse, he has become mental ill walking the world, me I have kept myself strong with prayer, with out that I could not cope... always looking for help, but learned in life there is none.

 

Excellent research and article- explains many cases.

 

These important findings are usually ignored in the investigation of childhood sexual abuse. The child's ability to describe clearly what he or she experienced is limited by many factors, including the disturbance of memory discussed here. Case after case is thus "unfounded" and the child sent back to court-ordered visitation with the perpetrator. As a child therapist I have seen many such tragedies, and have started documenting them. These scientific findings seem not to register with the judicial process, child protective services, Guardian ad Litem programs, etc. Something needs to be done about this.

 

so, so interesting. explains why drving is hard for me: although i am a good driver, each time i come to do it i wonder/worry if i will be able to, even when i stop at traffic lights; it is as if i suddenly cannot remembr what i am supposed to do. this happens to me a lot, in other areas too, such as meeting people, paying at a till. thank you for this research. i know i have been damaged by my abuse, how could i not. it is interesting to know that this damage is concrete and actual within the brain, and it mkes me feel better, in that it is no weakness to be damaged by child abuse. the brain, i feel, re-structures itself to cope with and endure it's suffering, which is, wonderfuly, why we can put ourselves back together and recover, even after the most horrififc incidences. god bless.